Lisa Palac: The Future of Cheating

Lisa Palac was the founding editor of FutureSex magazine and is the producer of Cyborgasm (the Erotic Virtual Audio CD Series on the Algorithm label.)

Tracy Quan: Let's say you're in a relationship with a man and one of you steps out. Do some sex acts constitute more of a betrayal than others?

Lisa Palac: You mean, like, "I didn't fuck him, I just gave him a blow job?" I don't really make those distinctions but a lot of people do. They have their list. Some people say, "It's only cheating if it's your penis and my vagina." My feeling has always been that you're in much greater danger if you make the emotional connection. I've been in love with a man for almost a year. If he were to have a one-night stand, I would try very hard not to let it bother me. But if he had an intimate relationship that cut into our time, even if that didn't include sex, I would be overtly jealous.

TQ: Don't you think this is unusual?

LP: A lot of men that I've been involved with in the past came out of relationships where they felt that they couldn't be faithful to their girlfriends... "I wanted more sex than she did and I had to go out and get it on the side -- and that was the downfall of our relationship." I don't know if they really wanted more sex or whether that became appealing when they were told this was something they couldn't have. When you say, "You've got to be with me and only me," a lot of men -- particularly younger men -- will think I can't live up to that.It makes cheating so much more attractive. Whatever is off-limits has a certain thrill to it. So in my case, sex on the side is not necessarily off-limits.

TQ: Do open relationships really solve the problem of cheating?

LP: The concept of non-monogamy appeals to me but it's so much harder than being monogamous.

TQ: Why?

LP: Because people underestimate the power of their emotions. The way people are communicating online has raised this question to a new level -- but the basic premises are still exactly the same. People get in much deeper than they ever expected to when they go online and search for what they think might be casual sex.

TQ: Online cheating isn't just a lot of hype?

LP: They think they're going to get online and type dirty words and masturbate, but many people find themselves falling in love. People make these emotional connections online never thinking that they're going to. Now they physically haven't had any contact so you'd say it's not cheating in the traditional sense. But they're thinking, "Wow -- I'm really hooked."

TQ: Come on. Dirty e-mail isn't grounds for falling in love and disrupting your marriage. Is it?

LP: But for men and women who don't have that kind of sexual candor in their lives -- who could never be that open with their partners, who never had that freedom to express themselves -- when they find someone they can do that with, it's a heavy connection.

TQ: Have you noticed many differences between men and women who cheat online?

LP: I've known more women than men who have fallen for the person they were typing to in cyberspace. I think men are more adept at separating feelings of intimacy from acts of sex, and I believe that has to do with basic male biology. I have pushed myself to make that separation. Sometimes I just want to go out and have my orgasm and zip up and walk away. It's a skill I developed but with all the time, effort and dedication I've put into it, I still think it's harder for a women to control her emotions -- and if that happens in real life, why wouldn't that happen in cyberspace?

TQ: Cheating wouldn't be an option for many women, if it weren't for technology. Don't you agree?

LP: For the past 30 years, we've had the Pill. Birth control, penicillin, the VCR -- all these things have enabled women to discover their sexuality on their own terms. You can use contraception and you won't get pregnant -- but that doesn't mean you won't have emotions to deal with after that encounter. Technology has cut a lot of ties to the consequences of being a sexually adventurous women but you can't easily undo millions of years of evolution. Those things take time.