Smoke This

by Brian Dykstra

Surgeon General's Warning: Cigarette Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide

My wife was working as a bartender some years ago. In a real bar. No kitchen. Just booze and beer. The wine was crap, two choices; red or white, and nobody made the mistake of ordering a second glass. Not long after she started working there, her boss called a meeting of the bartenders. He poured a shot of tequila, left it resting on the bar and looked up at his employees.

"This is poison," he said to them. "We're in the business of selling poison." He paused and looked around the room before continuing. "Anybody has a problem with that, shouldn't work here."

Got to hand it to the guy. He's in the business. He doesn't fool himself. He doesn't lie to his customers. He understands that human beings will engage in self-destructive behavior, other people are going to get rich selling them the means, and he can live with being that supplier.

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy.

Some years ago, I worked for a catering company that supplies wait staff to anybody who needs them. Once in a while I worked New York's famous 21 Club when they had a run on their private party rooms. On one occasion, I kept then-mayor David Dinkins' champagne glass full during a party after The U.S. Open Women's Tennis Final. On another occasion, I worked a private party at The 21 Club that was thrown by Philip Morris, celebrating the promotion and transfer of a company man who was going to Brazil to expand into greater South American markets.

I can only assume that none of the invited guests bothered to look around the room. At least, not at each other. There were about fifty guests at the event. It seemed to me that only one of them did not smoke. The room, packed with those smokers, wasn't even that uncomfortable to work in.

(I am not one of these second hand smoke reactionaries that I want to just slap for the incessant whining of a spoiled school girl at the hint of butt smoke permeating their "public air." Hey, hold your breath! At least that way the greater annoyance of your whining is eliminated.)

Strangely enough, it was a good looking crowd. Young and energetic, maybe even cocky. They were a group of people just like out of those ads. The men were dark and handsome, the women looked pretty and in shape. They were Marlboro Men and Virginia Slims Women. They knew how to laugh and have a good time. The only thing about it, there were no old people there.

Not a single one.

I guess these people who get free cancer sticks every month from their employer don't get old.

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking by Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, and Low Birth Weight.

Now, the FDA releases a report that suggests cigarettes and nicotine be regulated as a drug. The President steps up to the plate and makes what seems to be some fairly reasonable demands. To wit: Cigarette vending machines be moved so that minors not have access, crack down on merchants who sell to underage smokers, that advertisers not create cartoon ad campaigns that appeal to children (although what is gained by killing off Joe Camel or telling Winston they can't sponsor a NASCAR race, I can't quite figure out, but somebody must think it's important). Then some tobacco companies band together and bring a lawsuit guaranteeing a lengthy and costly court battle.

What are they fighting for?

The right to kill even more?

Oh, to hell with it!

I'm sick of you people. You death lobbyists! You merchants of emphysema and cancer! You suppliers of slow, catch-breath, painful death rattles. Stand up like human beings, you sick and twisted Jesse Helmsians.

You sell death. It's as simple as that.

You've operated with impunity since Sir Walter Raleigh taught Queen Elizabeth how to roll her own. It's time to stop pretending boys and girls. Put the bullets on the table, swallow your hypocrisy, look us all in the eye and say it,

"This is poison. We sell poison. Anybody has a problem with that, shouldn't work here."

People will still engage in self-destructive behavior. You certainly seem to be able to live with supplying the means. Stop lying about it. Stop killing people from the time that they're kids.

Oh, by the way, there is still that special section of hell reserved for all of you. I'm sure it's still very hot, but I bet you can't get a smoke anywhere.

Surgeon General's Warning: Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks To Your Health.

We Don't Need No
Stinking Taste

(A Real Audio Rant)

Brian smokes, but rarely buys cigarettes. He is on a crusade to help his friends smoke less. Some don't recognize the saintliness and call him a mooch.


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